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If you’ve ever felt like you’re hiding who you really are, living behind a smile while your heart is breaking, this is for you. This is my story of healing from childhood trauma, Christian transformation, and learning to live authentically without a mask.

Why “The Real English Elaine”?

People often ask why I call myself The Real English Elaine.

• Real—because what you see is what you get. I don’t wear a mask anymore.
• English—because I’m from Liverpool.
• Elaine—that’s simply my name.

But I wasn’t always “real.” For most of my life, I hid behind a mask—not a literal one, but the kind you wear when you’re afraid people might see who you truly are.

“Walking into a room, pretending to be one person on the outside, hiding who was the real person on the inside.”

Growing up behind the mask in Liverpool

I grew up in a low-income home in Liverpool, the eldest of five children. My dad was an abusive alcoholic; my mum was loving but overwhelmed. I never heard either of them say they loved me.

I didn’t fit in at school or in my neighborhood. Even when I won a scholarship to a better school, my dad mocked me, calling me “brains” in a disparaging way. I always felt set apart. Unacceptable. Unseen.

Grief, guilt, and a loss that left a scar

My closest friend was Angela. We did everything together. One night, she handed me her bus fare so she wouldn’t spend it. When she realized I still had it, she ran back across the road—and a drunk driver killed her instantly.

“If only I had given her that coin.”

I was sixteen. The guilt stayed with me for years. I didn’t know then that Jesus had already carried every burden I would ever try to hold.

Marriage, motherhood, and more emotional masks

Not long after, I grew close to Kevin. At nineteen, I got pregnant. We married, but I was ashamed of being pregnant before the wedding, so I lied about the dates. Another mask.

I pushed myself through college and into a career. On the outside, I was cheerful and high performing. On the inside, I was unraveling.

“I would take deep breaths, put on my mask, a smile on my face and head into work.”

This is what high-functioning brokenness looks like—successful, smiling, and silently suffering.

A move to America that saved our marriage

A job opportunity brought us to America, and looking back, I believe that move saved our marriage. In North Carolina, Kevin coached a men’s professional soccer team connected to a Christian organization.

Players invited us to church, and eventually we went. It felt strange—people raising their hands, saying “Amen,” talking about God as if He were a friend. I had heard of God, but I didn’t know what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

The day everything changed: my Christian testimony

One Sunday, a guest pastor shared his story. As he spoke, something stirred in me. I thought, There’s no way God would accept me—not with my past. But when he explained how simple it was to know Jesus, I followed along.

“Tears rolled down my face… I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders.”

I was almost forty when I finally surrendered my life to Christ.

Kevin later made the same decision. Our marriage changed. Our home changed. Even our daughter noticed. We renewed our vows on our 20th anniversary to show what God had done in us and to put Christ at the center of our marriage.

When the mask starts to suffocate

Even after becoming a Christian, I was still wearing a mask. And masks eventually suffocate you.

I knew what it felt like to be in the deepest, darkest pit—isolated, unable to get out of bed, not eating, not showering. But even there, I remembered God’s love.

Christian counseling, therapy and medication helped me begin the painful work of removing the mask. It wasn’t easy for me—or for the people who were used to me saying everything was “fine.” But the more real I became, the freer I felt.

This is what healing with God often looks like: slow, honest, messy, and deeply worth it.

Your life is a book—and this isn’t the last chapter

Life is like a book. You may be stuck on a page filled with depression, shame, or hopelessness. But you can’t see the chapters ahead—chapters filled with healing, family, purpose, and joy.

“He alone decides the end of the book.”

God sees the pages you haven’t turned yet. He knows the future chapters of your story, even when you feel stuck in this one.

Take off the mask: steps toward emotional and spiritual healing

Start taking off your mask. Bit by bit. Layer by layer.

• Be honest with God about how you feel.
• Reach out for help—a friend, a pastor, a therapist, a doctor.
• Let go of shame you were never meant to carry.
• Allow Jesus to meet you in the real, unfiltered you.

It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

If this resonates with you, share it with someone who’s tired of pretending—and ready to begin their own journey from hiding to healing.